


Memories From Days Long Gone

by Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon



Series: Snippets of Our Life [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, Fluff, M/M, mentions of abuse, slight! homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 00:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6351772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon/pseuds/Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanamaki was fourteen when his life turned upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So a couple things 
> 
> 1\. I've had this idea for weeks now and I am so excited that I finally started writing it (I don't even care if it's bad ok)  
> 2\. I wasn't gonna post this till I had all the chapter's written out, but after I finished chapter 2 last night I realized I am an impatient person so I said fuck it and decided to post it today  
> 3\. I read over this like ten times but there's probably still some mistakes who knows  
> 4\. I plan for there to be five chapters..but we'll see what happens  
> 5\. If you guys want a time line for this series- Doubt Fogs The Mind happens in their third year. Shellfish and Milkbread Run happen their first year of college. Happy happens the second year of college. This takes place on Hanamaki's last year of college. c:

Hanamaki was fourteen when his life turned upside down. Really, one could say it all started when he was ten. But at fourteen years of age, he moved away from his home, his school, his friends, everything. He was taken away from his father- but that was the only upside to leaving. 

He was fourteen when his life turned upside down. But at the same time, that’s when everything started to get better.

The doctors gave him pills to help. He joined Aoba Johsai’s volleyball team on his first day. He even made his first friend when he entered that gym for the first time. And a month after he moved and joined this new school, he found himself with a small group of friends. They weren’t like his friends at his old school- no, these were real friends. Hanamaki found himself at one of their houses every other weekend- found himself sitting and laughing with them at lunch. 

Things were not a hundred percent better- but this was a start. These three friends- who would grow to be much more than ‘just friends’- helped him more than they were aware of. 

His life was finally looking up. Sure, he still had to choke down pills every morning, and he suffered from random anxiety attacks- but everything was better than before. Anything would be better than living with a monster for a father. 

When he entered his second year with three people by his side, he found that he didn’t mind that his life had been turned upside down. 

__________

Hanamaki rolls onto his side, only for him to stop mid-roll, unable to move. He glances behind him, only to find Oikawa’s arms wrapped tightly around him, his face buried between his shoulder blades. 

The ringing that woke him up causes him to sigh, and he tries desperately to wiggle out of his boyfriend’s grasp. “Oi, Tooru.” He hisses, clawing at Oikawa’s pale hands. The ringing had stopped, only to pick up again. That meant it _had_ to be important. 

Oikawa mumbles something in his sleep, and all at once lets go. He rolls around, latching onto Matsukawa who was on his back, snoring softly. One arm was thrown lazily over Iwaizumi, who had his head tucked under Matsukawa’s chin. Oikawa throws his leg over Matsukawa’s waist, resting his head on his chest. 

Hanamaki smiles warmly at the sight, but quickly remembers why he’s up as the same ringing from before fills his ears. He reluctantly hops out of bed, stretching his arm over his head. Swiping his phone off the dresser, he curses as he just misses the ringing. Before the person can call back,he pads over to the bed, pulling up his camera. He takes a quick photo, and smiles at it for about three seconds before his phone goes off again. 

He swipes his thumb across the screen, bringing the device to his ear. 

“Hello?” He questions, walking out of the room, scratching his bare stomach. 

“Oh, yes, hello. I’m sorry for waking you so early. Is this Hanamaki Takahiro?” A female voice asks, and he furrows his eyebrows in confusion. 

“Um, yes ma’am it is. Who are you?” He asks hesitantly, a feeling of dread rolling over him in waves. 

“Oh, sorry! Yes, I’m Mai Sano.” She says, and background noise causes him to frown. Who exactly was this girl..?

“Uh, so...why did you call?”

“Huh? Oh. OH! Yes, yes, I’m very sorry, we’re a bit busy down here. I’m from the hospital in Miyagi. Your mother is Azumi Hanamaki, correct?” 

Hanamaki bites his lip, sighing softly. “Yeah, she is. Why?” 

“Well, I’m sorry, but she was rushed in here last night.” 

“Oh? Is...is she okay?”

Sano goes silent for a moment, someone in the background shouting something across the room. 

“I’m sorry, sir. She had a heart attack. Your mother did not make it. I need to go now, but feel free to come visit the hospital for more details.” She explains in a professional voice, and the line goes dead a moment later. 

Hanamaki freezes, the phone slipping out of his grasp, hitting the carpet with a dull thump. He just stands there for what feels like years, staring at the phone laying on the floor. He quickly snaps out of his daze, turning to scoop down and grab his phone. He then runs back into the bedroom to dig inside the dresser. He grabs a random t-shirt, pulling it over his head. He then pulls on some jeans,not bothering to run a brush through his bedhead. He grabs his wallet, then stops a moment later to process the situation. 

This couldn't be real. His mom wasn’t that old, and she was healthy- so how did she just...die? What kind of joke was this? Squeezing his eyes closed, he takes a deep breath. 

_“Takahiro, honey, I’m so so so sorry. I should’ve protected you.”Azumi sobs, grabbing her son’s hand. He flashes her a wide smile, shifting in the uncomfortable hospital bed to face his mother._

_“I don’t blame you, mom. It’s not your fault.” He says, watching as tears run down her face at a rapid pace._

_“Takahiro..” She says, her voice turning stern. “I promise to never leave you alone again.”_

Hanamaki breaths out a shaky sigh, turning around to drive his fist into the wall at full force. Pain shoots up his arm, a broken sob tumbling out of his lips. He pulls back, swinging with all his might at the wall again. A hand shoots out, wrapping around his wrist to stop him. He looks up with tears running down his face, his eyes meeting Matsukawa’s. 

“‘Hiro? What’s wrong?” He asks, his face lined with worry. 

Instead of answering, Hanamaki hiccups out another sob, burying his face in his hands. His shoulders shake with loud sobs, and he slowly sinks down to his knees. 

_“You’re all I have, Takahiro. I would never dream of leaving you alone.” Azumi says, sitting by the hospital bed, staring at her son who she believed was actually sleeping at the time._

_“You’re my son. I love you more than anything else in the whole world.” Azumi whispers to her fifteen year old son, smiling as she realizes that her once broken kid was now slowly healing._

_"You’re so cheesy, mom.” He laughs, throwing his arms around her to hug her tightly. “But I love you, too.” He whispers in her ear, smiling softly._

“‘Hiro? Hey, ‘Hiro, it’s okay.” Iwaizumi’s voice says, his hand rubbing comforting circles into his back. Hanamaki sniffs, moving to slump against the smaller man. Iwaizumi moves to wrap his arms around Hanamaki, still rubbing circles into his back. 

“It’s not okay.” He finally chokes out, voice muffled by the fabric of Iwaizumi’s shirt. It was way too early for this. 

“Why isn’t it?” Oikawa asks, settling down beside them. Hanamaki goes silent, squeezing his eyes closed. If he said it outloud, then that would make it all the more real. He didn’t want to believe it- 

He shrugs away from Iwaizumi, and stands up, moving to exit the room, only to run into Matsukawa’s chest. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asks, gently placing his hands on Hanamaki’s shoulders. “I really don’t think I’ve seen you so upset. So, out with it.” 

Hanamaki bites his lip again, sniffling softly. "I’m going to Miyagi.” He finally says, not making an effort to move away.

“And why..?” Oikawa asks, still sitting on the ground. 

“I…” He feels his body to shake again, and he hangs his head. “If I say it, then it’ll make it real.” He whispers, angrily wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. 

_“Are you crying again? Don’t you know only weak boys cry? I thought I taught you better than this.” The monster sneers down at him, shaking his head in disappointment. The smell of alcohol surrounds Hanamaki and he stares up at the man in fear, willing the tears to stop._

_When he woke up the next morning with bruises on his sides, he vowed that that would be the last day he openly sobbed in front of someone._

Hanamaki looks away, wrapping his arms around himself. He wanted to just sink into the floor and disappear-

“My mom’s in the hospital.” He finally confesses, the words echoing in his ears. 

“Will she be okay?” Matsukawa asks, his hands still resting on his shoulders. Maybe if he pressed down on his shoulders then he could go through the floor-

“No.” He says bluntly, turning to look at Matsukawa with a blank, broken look. 

“She’s dead.” He finally mumbles. The silence that surrounds him becomes suffocating, and he steps away from Matsukawa. “I’m going to Miyagi.” He repeats, walking out of the room. 

__________

Hanamaki sits stiffly on the train, leaning heavily against the window. Iwaizumi was sitting next to him, and he kept lifting his hand, only to set it back in his lap after a moment. Matsukawa kept sending him worried glances, and Oikawa was flat out staring at him with wide, worried eyes. They all probably thought he would break at any moment. Really, he didn’t blame them for thinking that.

He closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheek. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see his mom sitting across from him during dinner, laughing at one of his jokes. If she wasn’t sitting across from him, then she was running up to greet him when he comes to visit, wrapping him in a warm ‘welcome home’ hug. He feels a small smile tug at his lips as he sees his mother turn around with a huge smile, proudly presenting him with a platter of cream puffs. It was because of her that he loved them so much. 

_“Takahiro, as a congratulations for getting out of the hospital so quickly, I made you some cream puffs!”_

_“Cream puffs? What are those?” He asks, nearly drooling at the sight of them. He had just gotten out of the hospital, and they had just moved into their house the previous week._

_“Here, try them.” She says, placing the platter down. He beams up at his mother, plucking one off the plate before taking a small bite._

_It was the first dessert he had in his new house. The first dessert he had since becoming free from his father. The first dessert he had since getting out of the hospital. Plus, it was obvious his mother had tried hard to make these for him._

_He decided right then and there that cream puffs were the best things in the world._

He blinks in surprise as he feels something wet drop onto his hand, and he looks down in surprise. He brings his hand up to his face, finding that he was crying again. He wanted to laugh at his foolishness. How lame could he could get?

As he wipes his tears away with the back of his hand, he pretends to not notice Oikawa staring at him with wide eyes. He looks out the window, looking out at the sky. It was bright and sunny- the opposite of how he felt. 

He watches as a butterfly flies by his window, and he nearly jerks out of his seat, almost falling to the ground if it weren’t for Iwaizumi’s quick reflexes. 

_“Look how pretty it is, ‘Hiro.” Azumi smiles fondly at the insect resting peacefully on the flower. Nine year old Hanamaki grins happily, studying the bug with wide eyes._

_“When I die, I hope I come back as a butterfly.” She says, and Hanamaki turns to look at her. He tugs at her hand, making her lean down. “What?” She asks, laughing softly._

_He leans in, whispering in her ear. “You’re pretty enough to be one! So you’ll definitely come back as one.”_

_“You really think so?”_

_“I know so, mama!”_

He quickly presses his face against the window, ignoring the weird stares the others were throwing his way. When he gets a closer look, he sees that the butterfly was indeed pretty. It had a soft pink hue to its wings, just like his mother’s hair. A smile filters across his face, and he watches as the insect stops in front of him. It stays for a moment before moving on, and he watches until it becomes a speck in the distance. 

__________

Hanamaki stands in front of the hospital, glaring at the doors. If he were to enter the building, then it would just make everything more real. He continues to stare, looking through the glass front doors. 

A warm hand at his back gently moves him forward, and he quickly glances behind him to see Oikawa pushing him forward. He looks back in front of him, frowning as the enter the building. Matsukawa leads the way to the front desk, Iwaizumi right behind him. 

When they reach the desk, Hanamaki sees a girl with black haired tied back into a loose bun. She had deep bags under her eyes, and she was furiously writing something down. He glances at her name tag, and sighs. 

“Sano-san.” He greets, nodding his head. “I’m, uh, Hanamaki Takahiro. From this morning.” 

She blinks in confusion for a moment before she smiles, nodding her head. “Ah, hello. You’re father is around here somewhere, and he took care of everything. No need for you to worry about any of that, dear. I also believe he said he was already planning the funeral.” She says, smiling warmly at him before turning back to her work.

Hanamaki stiffens at her words, stumbling back in surprise. The three all look at him, all wearing matching looks of confusion. 

“Your dad?” Iwaizumi asks, tilting his head to the side. “I thought you said he was in jail for some reason?” 

Hanamaki digs his nails into his palms, panic rising in his chest. His father was _supposed_ to be in jail- when had he gotten out? Why was he here? He hasn’t seen the bastard in years- 

“Takahiro.” The voice from his nightmares speaks up right behind him. Oikawa watches as absolute fear fills Hanamaki’s eyes, and he furrows his eyebrows in confusion. 

When Hanamaki turns around, it was like he was a kid again. His father stood, looming above him with that easy smirk of his. He folds his arms over his chest, raising a dark eyebrow. Hanamaki was glad that he inherited nothing from his father- he probably would’ve hated himself if he had.

Hanamaki glances behind him, then slowly looks back at his dad, swallowing thickly. Was it too late to panic? 

“Long time no see, dad.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, you’ve changed a lot.” He comments, swiftly changing the subject.
> 
> “That’s what happens when you don’t see someone for years.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm I am still not okay from the last episode of this season for Haikyuu!! because I realized next season we will get Oikawa and Iwaizumi, and that's good, but we won't get Yahaba. Or Makki. Or Mattsun. Or anyone else. And I am not okay with that.
> 
> So enjoy this chapter where you learn The Tragic Backstory with a slightly longer chapter

_“You trying to be a superhero?” He laughs loudly, his dark brown hair sticking to his face with sweat. Hanamaki stands on shaky legs, arms thrown out to the side. He stood in front of his mother, staring at this monster in a human body._

_The man laughs again, the smell of alcohol and cigarettes filling the room. “You can try being a hero, son. You can take the fall for your worthless mother. But let me tell you something, boy.” He steps forward, smiling wickedly at the eleven year old. It had taken him a whole year of watching his mother get pushed around before he had finally mustered up the courage to throw himself in front of her- and this was the result._

_He stays silent for a moment, his eyes looking up and down his frail body. He then reaches out, grabbing the collar of Hanamaki’s shirt. He yanks the smaller male closer to him, grinning right in his face. Hanamaki wrinkles his nose in disgust, his heart beating rapidly. His father lowers his voice, his eyes narrowing dangerously before he finally opens his mouth to speak._

_“Not all heroes have a happy ending.”_

Hanamaki grits his teeth, his eyes narrowed towards his father. “You have no right to be here.” He whispers, willing for this all to be a dream. He would wake up wrapped around one of his boyfriend’s and realize this was all some awful nightmare that his mind came up with-

“Ah, well. Now that I’m here, you don’t need to worry about anything. I’ve been here for about three hours or so, and I have already taken care of everything. I even have the date for the funeral.” He says calmly, ignoring Hanamaki’s comment. 

“When is it?” He asks, deciding that fighting with his dad was something he _really_ did not want to do. 

“I’ll tell you, if you give your old man a hug.” 

Hanamaki pulls a look of absolute disgust, taking a step back. He bumps into Iwaizumi and jumps in surprise. It had slipped his mind that his three boyfriend’s were here...witnessing this whole exchange. 

“I think you should just tell me. I never want you to touch me again.” He hisses. 

His father chuckles, glancing over Hanamaki’s shoulder to look at his friends. He raises a curious eyebrow, looking back at his son. 

“So, you’ve changed a lot.” He comments, swiftly changing the subject.

“That’s what happens when you don’t see someone for years.”

“Ah, you got me there.” He laughs, narrowing his eyes. “I see you got your ears pierced. They look good on you.”

Hanamaki lifts his hand, gently touching his ear. He forgot he was even wearing them. The only time he took them out was when he showered or went swimming. “Um, thanks.” 

“But that’s not the only way you’ve changed, huh?” He questions, a dangerous glint in his eyes. “Which one is your toy?”

“Excuse me?” 

“It’s the pretty one, right? He’s been shooting you worried glances this whole time.” He says, looking right at Oikawa. “Though I can’t say I blame you for turning gay. He’s quite nice on the eyes.” 

_“Excuse me?!”_ Hanamaki hisses angrily, not daring to turn around. They were all probably very confused- seeing as how he never spoke about his father. 

“Don’t tell me you’re actually in a _relationship_ with one of them?” 

“I don’t care about your shitty approval. And for your information, I’m not in a relationship with just _one_ of them.” 

“And what does that mean?” 

“It means I’m with all of them.” He says, glaring daggers at him. If he could kill a man- 

His dad’s eyes grow a fraction wider, and he huffs out a surprised laugh. “Did I beat you too hard when you were younger? Is that why you’re this way?” He flat out throws his head back, barking out a loud laugh at his ‘joke’. When he notices the shocked faces of the other three, it only makes him laugh louder. “Do they not know? Oh, that’s great. I bet you’ll have a _wonderful_ conversation later.” He pauses to wink at Oikawa, smirking as Matsukawa steps in front of Oikawa protectively. He then turns his attention back to Hanamaki, stuffing his hands in to his pockets. “It’s Monday at ten. See you then. And, really, it was a pleasure to see you again.” He then turns around, disappearing out the front doors before Hanamaki could sputter out a response.

When Hanamaki turns around, he’s met with very confused faces. He opens his mouth to explain, but nothing comes out. How does one tell someone that he's been with for years that the reason his parent’s got a divorce when he was younger was because his father used to beat his wife and son black and blue? How does one confess to having to choke down pills every morning because he still suffers from depression? How does he know they won’t be mad at him for keeping quiet all this time? 

He sighs, racking his brain for a good way to spill the beans. It was painful to talk about, and he really didn’t want to have to relive any of that..but he knew he would need to tell the truth before the funeral. He had till Monday. Today was Saturday. Okay, so, not a lot of time but it gave him a day to think everything over-

“Takahiro?” He blinks in surprise, pulling himself back to reality. Had he been spacing out this whole time? 

“Uh- y-yeah?”

“Are you okay?” 

“I’m sorry.” Wait- they were asking him if he was okay? Okay, he should really not blurt stuff out. Oh, god they were going to hate him and then they were going to leave him and then he would have to finish his last year of college in a constant state of depression and he would have to go through his days with nothing to look forward to and he would never see any of them again and- 

“I m-mean...haha..I am dandy. Great. Fine. Better than okay. Just found out the person who almost beat me to death in middle school is out of jail and is acting like he never even touched me and yeah now my mother is dead and I really want to sleep forever and I am just trying to figure out a way to tell you guys that I’m sorry for never telling the truth about him but I was always scared to and I know that maybe I should've mentioned that I have depression and that my dad was an abusive b-” He cuts himself off, taking a deep breath. Did he just ramble? Out loud? He did not mean to do that. 

His breathing starts to quicken, and he closes his eyes. _Please not now. Why? Why now?_ He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t hear. He stumbles back a few steps, grabbing the fabric of his shirt tightly. Why can’t he _breathe._

_He lays on his floor, wheezing for breath. The last thing he remembered was his father stumbling in drunk, a cloud of despair following him. He had entered the room to survey it, finding his fourteen year old son alone with his sketch book._

_“What’s that?” He hisses, taking a wobbly step forward._

_“It’s...my notebook.” Hanamaki explains slowly, hugging it to his chest. He wasn’t very talented, and he was still improving. But drawing always seemed to calm him down and make him feel better._

_His father takes another step, and rips the book out of his arms. He squeaks in protest, but his dad roughly shoves him away. He flips through the pages, scowling more and more with every flip of the page._

_“Takahiro. What is this?”_

_“It’s...my sketchbook. I like to draw.” He whispers, looking down at his hands._

_The next thing he knew, his father lashes out, smacking him across the face with the sketchbook. “Drawing will not help you in the future! Don’t waste your fucking time on something like this.” He snaps, glaring down at his son with disappointment._

_“But I like it! I-I think I want to draw in the future. I want to be an artist, dad.” He says, holding his head high. His mother always told him to be proud of what he could do. She said he had potential- and of course he believed her._

_“No son of mine is going to be an artist. That's not a real job.” He says, stepping back. He lifts the book in the air, and rips the cover off._

_“Wha-”_

_His father takes each page, ripping it to shreds before he lets the pieces float to the ground. Not before long, pieces of his art float around the room. It looked as if it was raining ripped pieces of paper._

_“D-dad! Stop!” Hanamaki cries out, reaching forward to snatch the remaining pages away. His father reels back, lifting his hand._

_He woke up in the hospital the next morning, his mother sobbing by his bedside._

_“We’re going to be okay, ‘Hiro.”_

_“We’re going to be okay.”_

_“He’s gone- I finally got the papers- your aunt Natsumi helped-”_

_“Takahiro, can you believe it? **We’re finally going to be okay.”**_

Hanamaki gasps, taking deep breaths. He could hear distant voices- Iwaizumi? Or was that Matsukawa? Or Oikawa?

When his vision finally clears up, he finds that he was now sitting on the ground, his back pressed against the wall. He takes another deep breath, willing his breathing to calm down. How did he get here? Oh god, he was so _pathetic_ \- 

Oikawa settles down beside him, setting a water bottle down beside Hanamaki. “Are you okay now?” Oikawa asks, gently bumping his knee against Hanamaki’s. Taking another deep breath, he settles for nodding his head.

“You should drink some water.” He suggests, motioning towards the bottle he had set down. He shakes his head to decline, pulling his knees up to his chest. Just a moment ago it had felt as if the whole world was crumbling down around him, and now everything was suddenly back to normal- it was a weird. He hated having these attacks. 

Loosely wrapping his arms around his legs, he rest his cheek against his knee, angling his face so he could look at Oikawa. 

“Thanks.” He mumbles after finally calming his breathing down completely. 

“It was no problem.” He replies, moving to lean his head against the wall. “Now, I don’t want you to freak out again, but can you explain again? You were talking so fast, and none of us could really understand. Though, we completely understand if you can’t tell us- because from what I understood, you’re dad was a bastard. So, really, I- _we_ \- understand if it’s too painful to talk about. 

_“I’m doing this for you.”_

Hanamaki furrows his eyebrows, sliding his legs out in front of him. All these memories were locked away, and now that his father had to show up...they were slowly resurfacing. 

_“One day you’ll thank me for everything I’ve done.”_

He looks across the small hallway to see Matsukawa and Iwaizumi looking at him, both giving him supportive smiles. 

_“I don’t want you to be a coward.”_

He opens his mouth, taking one last deep breath. It was now or never. He wasn’t sure if he would even be able to explain later. 

_“I’m doing this so you can be stronger. The day you fight back will be the day you stop being a coward. You’ll thank me when that day comes around.”_

“My dad came home drunk for the first time when I was ten. He didn’t hit me, but he hit my mom. I didn’t understand what was really going on because I had never actually seen him hit her...but then one day I walked in on him throwing a plate at my mom. I...was too scared to do anything for the longest time. When I turned eleven, I, uh, well...I jumped in front of my mom on impulse. I don’t regret it, but from that day on I became his new punching bag. I mean, better it be me then my mom, right? But, my mom, she..she couldn’t do anything- she was too busy going out and providing money for our family- something my dad never cared to do. When I was fourteen, the year my mom finally got help...he, um…” Hanamaki trails off, taking a shaky breath. He’s never told anyone _any_ of this before. 

A warm hand places itself on his back, and he looks up to find Oikawa smiling sadly. “You can stop there if you want. We don’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way.”

He shakes his head, looking down at his hands. “No. I need to say it all now- or I never will. You..you all deserve to know...and I’ve hidden it for long enough.” He whispers, quickly clearing his throat. “So, um, I was in my living room when he came home. I was actually drawing at the time. He..well, he didn’t like that. So....long story short, I woke up in the hospital the next day. My mom explained that she had come home to find me passed out with my dad screaming at my unconscious body. She flipped shit and my aunt Natsumi was with her- it turns out that they had been working for the last couple of months to get the divorce figured out and everything. They took me to the hospital...and a week later I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. They prescribed me pills for my depression, and they suggested therapy, but..I didn’t want to do that.” He pauses, glancing up to look at them. They all looked like they wanted to commit murder. “..when you guys found out about my anxiety back in our first year of high school, I..wasn’t planning on telling you guys. But it just so happened that I had an attack during school, so there was nothing I could do about it. I...was- _am_ , already weak enough as it is. I thought..that if I told you guys about my depression, then it would make me seem weaker. Or like I was looking for attention- I don’t know. I didn’t tell you about my father, either, but that’s because I was scared of thinking about him. And- I’m just. I’m sorry.” He finishes, nervously biting his lip. That was a lot of to process. 

“I don't know why you're sorry.” Iwaizumi says in honest confusion, tilting his head to the side. “I don't blame you for keeping quiet. If I was in your position, then I would of kept quiet as well.”

Hanamaki looks at them, staring wide eyed in shock. They weren't mad? Well, not mad at _him_. And that's what he was really worried about. He covers his mouth with his hand, a small chuckle escaping his lips. Within moments he was clutching his stomach, laughing loudly. He was so so _so_ stupid. How could he honestly think that they would be mad at him? How did he think that they would be anything but supportive and understanding? 

“Okay, I think he's lost it. I think he needs to rest.” Matsukawa says, a fond smile plastered on his face. He rather have Hanamaki laughing then crying. Before anyone could utter another word, the click clack of someone's heels echoes around the hallway. 

Hanamaki barely has time to look up before a woman with shoulder length, light pink hair, hovers over him. She looks down at him with dark, yet red rimmed, eyes- a sign that she had most likely been crying before she had come down the hallway. Clearing his throat, he raises an eyebrow. 

“Uh, long time no see, Natsumi.” He chuckles awkwardly, quickly scrambling to get up. She was about an inch shorter than him, but her heels made her taller than him. She reaches out with a pale hand, dragging Hanamaki into a tight hug. 

“I saw him leave, and I saw you freaking out. I’m sorry I didn’t come to help, but I wanted to let you calm down. You looked like you were in good hands” She whispers in his ear, squeezing him gently. Hanamaki opens his mouth to reply, only to close it. He didn’t really know how to answer..he hasn’t seen his aunt in months. 

She steps back, rubbing her eyes. “Thank you for taking care of my nephew.” She says in a tired voice, turning to the three men awkwardly standing to the side. She instantly beams, running up to grab Matsukawa’s hand. She shakes it, then quickly moves down the line to shake both Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s hands. “I’m Natsumi Ishikawa, Takahiro’s aunt. It’s so nice to finally meet his boyfriends!” She says, happily clapping her hands. Though if you looked closely, you could see the sadness of losing her sister was still present. 

Matsukawa opens his mouth, but she swiftly turns around and claps her hands together. “The funeral is on Monday at ten, and today is saturday! So! There is no reason for you to waste money on a train back today, then for two more trains on Monday. You all can stay at my place for the weekend.” She says, leaving no room for argument. But, of course, Hanamaki had to try. 

“Natsumi, they have volleyball pratic-”

“We can skip practice.” Oikawa says, causing Hanamaki to reel back in surprise. Oikawa, the one who wanted to go pro, was willing to miss practice? That was..oddly flattering.

“I-If you’re sure..”

“Of course we’re sure.” Iwaizmi says, Matsukawa nodding in agreement. 

“Great! I’ll go find find Taichi and Riku, then meet you guys out front.” Natsumi says, quickly squeezing Hanamaki’s shoulder as she passes by him. 

As the click clack of her heels slowly fade away, Hanamaki turns to the other three, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. “Ah..are you guys sure? I don’t want to force you guys to attend the funeral or anything..and you guys have classes- and practice.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’ve met your mom, and she was very supportive and everything. So of course we want to go. Plus, we’re not about to leave you alone.” Matsukawa says, smiling at him. 

Hanamaki blinks slowly, his eyes growing wide. He quickly looks away, hiding the small smile on his face. “Thank you.” He whispers sincerely, quickly leading the way down the hallway. 

__________

Hanamaki watches his aunt lead two men down the sidewalk. One was a middle aged man with black hair and a lazy smile, stubble on his chin. He was about a head taller than his aunt, even with her heels. Taichi Ishikawa- his uncle who just so happened to be a tailor. That worked out for them, seeing as how he would be able to get them all suits for the funeral on Monday. 

And the second male. “Fuck.” He whispers, stepping to hide behind Matsukawa. “I want to apologize in advance.” He whispers, peeking out from behind Matsukawa’s shoulder. His cousin- Riku Ishikawa- was a bitter man who was one of the only people in his family to not support his relationship. And he would have to spend the weekend with the bitter bastard. 

“Apologize for what?” Iwaizumi asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Ah...Riku is one of the homophobes in my family. My aunt and uncle support me, but..yeah. He doesn't.” He mumbles, smiling as his aunt finally reaches them.

“Taichi went to fetch the car.” She smiles, turning to Riku. “You haven't seen your cousin in months, put your phone away and say hi!” She scolds, swiping his phone out of his hands.

The dark haired male looks up in betrayal, turning to glance at Hanamaki. He then looks at Iwaizumi, then Matsukawa, then Oikawa. He huffs, moving his gaze to glare at Hanamaki again. “Hey, faggot.” 

Hanamaki sighs, flashing him a polite smile. As his mother hisses about how ‘your cousin just lost his mother can't you be at least a little nice?!’ He flashes his boyfriends an apologetic smile. 

This would be an interesting weekend. 

__________

“I don't have a guest bed that will fit you all, but I do have two guest rooms.” Natsumi explains as she opens the door, frowning as her son bolts up the stairs. Her husband slips in next, leaning in to place a kiss on her cheek before he walks down the hallway. “Is that okay? Can you guys figure it out?” 

“Of course, thank you Ishikawa-san.” Iwaizumi smiles, and she beams. 

“So polite!” She laughs, shaking her head. “I don't understand how Takahiro snagged all three of you.”

“Is..is that an insult?” Hanamaki sputters, staring at his aunt. She reminded him a lot of his mother. And, well, they were sisters- close in age as well. So it didn't really shock him. 

She grins, leaning over to ruffle his hair. Something his mother always did to him. “I don't know. Is it?” She chuckles, turning to walk down the hallway. “I'll call you when dinner's ready!” She says over her shoulder, disappearing into the kitchen. 

Yeah, this would be a very interesting weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm join me next time with A Shitty Cousin and also I swear there will be some nice, lighthearted fluff in the next chapter.How long will that fluff be idk but it will be there.
> 
> Tumblr; Pigeon-religeon and Lame-haikyuu-stuff


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanamaki finds himself surrounded by ice cold water, and his scream is silenced as water fills his lungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN INNOCENT 2K MAYBE 3K WORD CHAPTER BUT INSTEAD IT HAS 6k+ WORDS AND ID K HOW THAT HAPPENED I AM SORRY  
> Also, I am...horrible at fluff. So consider this me practicing my fluff writing? I mean of course there's angst but I threw in some fluff. SO. Yay.

_It started with him standing on water in the middle of the ocean. He felt multiple pairs of hands on him, as if they were keeping him from plunging into the raging waters. He couldn’t see, not at first. But then it was as if a spot light had flipped on, and suddenly the people around him became noticeable._

_His mom stood in front of him with both hands resting on his shoulders, her light pink hair falling neatly around her shoulders and down her back. Beside him stood Oikawa, Matsukawa, and Iwaizumi, all with a hand on his sides. His aunt and uncle were next, both with hands pressed firmly to his back._

_It was obvious that they were the only things keeping him up._

_Then, all at once, his mother lets go. She flashes him a small, sad smile before walking away. He couldn’t blame her, though. She was dead- so there was no way that she could stay._

_When he looks away from his mother’s retreating form, he feels his aunt and uncle let go. They step away without bothering to glance at him, and briskly walk away._

_By now he’s starting to panic, but it’s okay. Because three pairs of hands are still keeping him from plunging into the ice cold sea._

_But then Oikawa and Iwaizumi let go. He would’ve sunk into the rapid water if it weren’t for Matsukawa._

_“Tooru?” He croaks, trying to reach forward- but it’s as if he’s frozen to the spot. His limbs won’t move, they won’t listen to him. “H-Hajime?” His voice cracks over the name, and he watches as they both begin to walk away._

_Matsukawa then steps away, his hand still resting on his shoulder, still keeping him above the waves. The first friend he ever made after moving- the first person he ever opened up to after leaving his old home- turns around and runs to catch up to Oikawa and Iwaizumi._

_“Issei?” He whispers in disbelief, his feet sinking into the water. Goosebumps rise to his skin, causing him to shiver violently._

_Right before he disappears into the dark water, a hand wraps around his throat, pulling him close. He’s met eye-to-eye with the man- and he instantly recognizes the dark, sharp eyes._

_“I told you, son. No matter where life takes you, you’re going to end up all alone.” His father sneers. He then slowly unwraps his hand, letting go._

_Hanamaki finds himself surrounded by ice cold water, and his scream is silenced as water fills his lungs._

Hanamaki blinks his eyes open, panic settling in his chest. He sits up quickly, looking around the room in a fit of panic. Matsukawa was sleeping peacefully next to him, but Oikawa and Iwaizumi were no where in the room.

After taking a moment to process his surroundings and calm down, he is reminded that they had to split into pairs for the night. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were in the room next door- they were okay. They weren’t gone. They didn’t leave him. 

Turning back to Matsukawa, he can’t help but smile in relief. He slowly leans down, placing a hand on his cheek, taking a moment to admire his features. 

_‘He’s real. He’s here. He is not leaving.’_ He thinks to himself, sighing in relief. Matsukawa was real and he wasn’t going to leave Hanamaki alone. 

“Mmm…’Hiro?” Matsukawa mumbles, his eyes fluttering open. Hanamaki quickly takes his hand away, a guilty look on his face. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep, Issei.” He whispers, smiling as Matsukawa rubs his eyes sleepily. Ignoring Hanamaki’s words, he sits up in the bed, turning to face him. 

“It’s fine, why’re you up?” 

“Ah, nothing to worry about. Just a bad dream.” He answers, shrugging as if it were no big deal. 

Matsukawa frowns, moving forward. He narrows his eyes at Hanamaki, tilting his head to the side. “What was it about?” He questions. 

“Nothing.” 

“Takahiro, you can’t fool me.”

“Okay, fine. Nothing _important_.”

“Takahiro.” When Hanamaki doesn’t answer, Matsukawa huffs, swiftly pinning Hanamaki to the bed. He hovers above him, straddling his thighs. His hands slowly move down Hanamaki’s body to rest on his sides. 

“Wait, Issei, do-” Before he can finish, Matsukawa runs his hands over his sides, gently poking him until he full on tickles him. Hanamaki tries desperately to try and stifle his giggles, but to no avail. His laughter echoes softly around the small room until he’s wheezing, begging Matsukawa to stop. 

“Will you tell me?”

“Y-yes! Just, please stop!” He laughs, trying to wiggle away from Matsukawa’s grasp. Matsukawa instantly stops, resting his hands on Hanamaki’s stomach. 

“Alright, out with it.” 

Hanamaki sighs, going limp, sinking into the soft bed. Matsukawa’s weight on him was an odd comfort, so with a tight smile, he looks up, his eyes meeting Matsukawa’s worried ones. 

“It really was nothing.”

“‘Hiro…” He threatens, moving his hands to attack again. 

“Okay! Okay, okay.” He says, scowling at the threat. “I just..dreamt that I was alone.” He explains vaguely, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Alone?” Matsukawa asks in confusion, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah. Everyone left me. My aunt, my uncle. My mom. Tooru, Hajime, you.” He mumbles, tearing his gaze away. “My dad showed up at the end to remind me that he had always told me that I’d end up alone.” 

Matsukawa goes silent, staring at Hanamaki for a moment. He gently places a hand on Hanamaki’s chin, forcing him to look at him. Before Hanamaki can question him, he leans down, gently sliding his lips against Hanamaki’s. He blinks in surprise for a second before quickly kissing him back. His eyes flutter closed, and he places his hands on Matsukawa’s shoulders, gently digging his fingers into the flesh there- it was always a blessing that Matsukawa slept without a shirt. 

Matsukawa keeps Hanamaki pinned to the bed, deepening the kiss before he pulls back slightly, murmuring against his lips. “You know we’ll never leave you, right?” 

“Yeah, I know.” Hanamaki replies, moving his hands down to Matsukawa’s bare chest. He then pushes on his chest lightly, moving to sit up. His hands then slide up to wrap around his neck, pulling him back into a deep kiss. 

Matsukawa grins against his lips, and he suddenly bites down hard on Hanamaki’s lip, grinding his hips down roughly. Hanamaki instantly groans, breaking away to take deep breaths. Matsukawa takes the opportunity to kiss his jaw, slowly moving to kiss down his neck. He nibbles at the skin before he bites down, drawing out a small moan from Hanamaki. 

Being the impatient person he is, Hanamaki grabs Matsukawa’s cheeks with both hands, swiftly planting his lips upon Matsukawa’s again. A small laugh bubbles out of Matsukawa’s throat, and without warning he grinds his hips down again. When Hanamaki gasps, he takes the chance to slip his tongue past the parted lips. 

When they pull apart for breath again, Hanamaki can’t help but grin. “Your breath stinks. And you’re heavy.” He teases. 

“I didn’t hear you complaining earlier. Plus, your breath stinks, too.” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t actually care.” 

“Well neither do I.”

“But you are heavy.”

“Is this your way of calling me fat?”

“No, you’re not fat. It’s all your beautiful muscles that make you so heavy.”

Matsukawa opens his mouth to retort, but instead he laughs, shaking his head. He places his hands on Hanamaki’s waist, willing his heart beat to slow down. “You know I love you, right?” He asks with a fond smile. 

Hanamaki sputters in surprise, a blush dusting his cheeks. “Of course. How can you not?” He jokes, moving to wrap his arms around Matsukawa’s neck again. “Oh, and I love you, too.” 

The door to the bedroom flies open, causing Matsukawa to jump. He almost topples off of Hanamaki’s lap and to the floor, but quickly catches himself. 

Turning to glare at the door with confusion, Hanamaki finds his cousin staring wide-eyed at them. He looked pale, as if he was staring death in the eye. 

“What the fuck.” Riku whispers, rubbing his eyes. “I did not need to see this...this disgusting shit! I thought the other two were bad, but you're fucking sitting in my cousin’s lap.”

“He's very comfortable.” Matsukawa answers, smiling innocently. 

“Disgusting.” Riku hisses, shaking his head in disbelief. “Anyways, breakfast is ready. I was forced to come wake you guys up.” He mumbles, quickly moving to briskly walk down the hallway.

“I think we scared him.” Hanamaki chuckles, slumping forward to rest his forehead against Matsukawa’s chest.

“Good.” Matsukawa grins, running a hand through Hanamaki’s soft hair.

__________ 

After doing the normal morning routine of getting dressed and brushing their teeth and all the other necessities, they make their way down the stairs. Before he can say hi to Iwaizumi or Oikawa, his aunt grabs his arm, pulling him into the kitchen. 

He squawks in surprise as he stumbles into the room, blinking in confusion. “Huh? What's wrong?” He asks, wincing at his words. “You know..besides the obvious.” 

“I want to apologize for Riku. There's nothing I can do about his attitude, so...please, uh, don't take anything he says to heart. Alright?” Natsumi says, frowning. 

“I'll try, but no promises.” He mumbles, giving her a reassuring smile. She instantly beams, patting his shoulder.

“That's all I could ask. Also, your uncle isn't here at the moment. He went out to get some food, so don't worry if you don't see him around, alright?” She says, picking up two plates of breakfast food. She shoves them into Hanamaki’s hands, picking up two more afterwards. She then herds him out of the kitchen, handing one of her plates to Matsukawa. She gives the other one to Oikawa, leaving Hanamaki to give his extra one to Iwaizumi. 

Natsumi quickly disappears into the kitchen to retrieve a plate for Riku, and Hanamaki awkwardly stands there, staring at the food in his hands. He wasn't hungry, but he knew he shouldn't waste the food. Plopping down next to Iwaizumi, he secretly dumps his eggs on his plate while he’s not paying attention, then secretly places his bacon on Matsukawa’s plate. They don't seem to notice the extra food, and for that he's grateful. 

He doesn't notice Oikawa narrowing his eyes, opening his mouth to call him out. But Riku suddenly speaks up, not letting Oikawa get a word in.

“I don't think you should go to the funeral.” He says as he shovels a bite of food into his mouth, looking right at Hanamaki.

“H-huh? She's my mother! Like hell I wouldn't go.” He snaps, frowning down at the table. Riku was only acting this way because his mother was in the kitchen, unable to scold him for being rude. Hanamaki grabs the glass of water in front of him- it wasn't his, it was probably Iwaizumi’s- and takes a small sip. 

“Well. It was your fault she died, so I don't think you should be allowed to go.” He explains easily. The glass slips out of Hanamaki’s pale hands, water rushing out to cover his shirt and pants. He opens his mouth to retort, but Riku continues on. “I mean, think about it. You're basically all she had. She lost her husband, she barely ggets to speak to her sister or any family, really. And her son went off to college, leaving her all alone. Sure, you visit. But probably not enough. Maybe if you were there, then you could've called the hospital and saved her.” 

Hanamaki barely registers Matsukawa and Iwaizumi standing up, both wearing matching looks of anger. But he wasn't paying attention, because Riku’s words _made sense_. It was too early to think of this. Too early to get these accusations thrown in his face. 

_“Hey mom!” Sixteen year old Hanamaki runs into the house, a jar clasped tightly in his hands._

_Azumi turns around, her hair tied up into a loose bun. She held a duster in her hand, a warm smile on her face. “Yes, Takahiro?” She asks, her eyes traveling down to the jar in her son’s hands._

_“Before I show you.” He starts, swiftly hiding the jar behind his back. “I want to ask you something.”_

_“Yes?” She asks, setting down the duster. She wipes her hands on her jeans, moving to sit down on the couch._

_“Are you happy?”_

_“Happy?” She questions, confusion swirling in her light eyes._

_“Yeah. I know…” He trails off, awkwardly shuffling his feet. “I know you loved- love?-dad. He was the man you married, and you can't help but love him. And, well...you must be upset that he's gone. Even though what he did was wrong-”_

_“Takahiro. I once loved your father, but the man I divorced is not the man I fell in love with.” She says sternly, narrowing her eyes._

_“O-oh. But. Um. Are you? Happy?”_

_His mother smiles, grabbing his free hand. “Oh, Hiro. I'll always be happy with you by my side.”_

_Hanamaki instantly beams at her answer, moving his other hand to shove the jar in her hands. Azumi looks into the jar, smiling at the contents._

_Inside lay an apple slice, with a yellow butterfly resting peacefully on it. It lazily flaps it’s wings, just sitting there._

_“Butterflies make you happy, so I..caught one for you..” He smiles._

_Azumi looks up, eyes watering. “Oh, Takahiro.’” She sniffs, hugging the jar to her chest. “How could I ever be upset with you around?”_

Hanamaki stands up, pulling at his wet shirt with disgust. Seeing as how they were borrowing clothes, he wasn't sure if there would be anything else to change into. He smiles tightly as he looks up, shaking his head.

“It's okay Hajime, Issei.” He mutters, not daring to look at them. “He's right, so there's no need to be mad at him.”

“Takahiro, you can be ser-”

Hanamaki turns and walks away, retreating the stairs. “I'm sorry mom.” He whispers under his breath, taking a shaky breath.

He hasn't felt the need to die in so long. But his pills were back at home.  
And his demons were slowly crawling back into his mind. 

__________

Hanamaki could hear his aunt’s yelling floating up the stairs, and he knew Oikawa, Matsukawa, and Iwaizumi were with her- all probably scolding Riku. He shakes his head, reaching into his uncle’s closet. They were reduced to either borrowing his stuff, or Riku’s.

And, well, he would never even think of entering Riku’s room.

Pulling off the wet clothes, he finds the clothes that would fit him the best. When he finishes, he glances into the mirror, a frown stitched to his face. 

_‘It’s your fault.’_ The voice from years ago suddenly whispers, and he squeezes his eyes closed. It's been years. He hasn't heard the demon of his mind speak for what seems to be a century.

Really, though, with everything happening, it shouldn't surprise him.

_‘What a shame, huh? All you can do is cry and shake and feel bad for yourself. Aren't you pathetic?’_

He suddenly realizes that this demon in his head has the same voice as his father. 

________

When he comes back down the stairs, he finds that Riku is nowhere in sight- and the same is for his boyfriends. 

_‘One day you're going to end up all alone.’_

“No.” He says out loud, gritting his teeth. **_Fuck_** his dad for messing with his mind. He needed his pills. He should've insisted that they go back home-

“Ah, Takahiro!” His uncle's voice cuts through the air, and he jumps, turning to face the older man. “I have your suit. The others were just trying theirs on. Would you like to try yours on?” 

Hanamaki shakes his head, nervously shifting from foot to foot. “Thanks, Taichi. But I think it'll be fine. You know my measurements, and I trust your judgement.”

“Oh, you flatter me.”

“No, I just tell the truth.”

“Ah, well then thanks.” He smiles kindly, quickly moving to reach into the bag he had hanging from his wrist. He pulls out a box of cream puffs, offering it to Hanamaki. “Some little birdies informed me that you enjoy this snack.”

He instantly felt sick. He wasn't hungry. And he couldn't look at cream puffs without wanting to sob. His mother was the reason he loved the pastry. “Oh. Um.” If he didn't eat them, then everyone would know that something is up. This was a test.

And he saw pity in his uncle's eyes. 

_‘The only reason people talk to you is because they pity you. They see the sadness in your eyes. How pathetic can you get?’_

He didn't need _pity_. 

Slowly reaching out, he takes the box with a tight lipped smile. “Thanks.” He mumbles, watching as his uncle beams in delight. He was probably thinking something along the lines of ‘he took the pastries, so that means he’s okay!’

“I'm sorry about Riku. Natsumi told me what happened.” He suddenly says, causing Hanamaki to scowl. He quickly schools his expression, smiling lazily. 

“Don't be. It's fine.”

“Well- if you're sure.” Taichi smiles again, gently squeezing Hanamaki’s shoulder before he walks away.

A moment later, Hanamaki buries the cream puffs into the trash, making sure no one would find them.

He didn't notice Oikawa frowning in the doorway.

__________

Natsumi calls for lunch, and Hanamaki sighs. He should probably eat, but he wasn't hungry. Was that concerning? No. He’ll be fine. He’ll just eat tomorrow. 

“Takahiro!” His uncle's voice calls out, and he jumps. He looks around the restroom, swiftly flushing the toilet. He then turns the faucet on, hoping that he wasn't acting too suspicious. While the water flows, he quickly rummages through the cabinets in search of some sort of pills to help.

He needed his pills. It’s only been a day, but he could already feel himself falling into the darkness. The memories were coming back at full force. Normally, he would be able to ignore these things. But that's because he had his pills. 

Realizing he was taking too long, he turns the water off, sighing. He exits the restroom with a dejected look on his face, quickly making his way down the stairs. 

He stops at the entry way, glancing into the room. Everyone was there, and an empty space next to Oikawa was left for him. The strong smell of the food wraps around him, and he feels bile rising in the back of his throat. 

He knew the scent of curry anywhere, and he knew it was a common food. But..why? Out of all the things to make, why did his aunt have to make his mother’s favorite? 

Making a quick decision, he swiftly turns around, leaving the room without another look. He pulls his shoes on, quickly throwing the door open.

He’s met with the shocked face of Riku, who had his arm held out as if he was about to enter. Was he not at the table? Hanamaki couldn't remember. 

“Oh. I'm glad I ran into you. I stumbled across your smallest friend and the one with the eyebrows making out in the garden. Please tell them to calm the fuck down.”

“They have names.” 

“Yeah, well I don't care. Just tell them, okay?”

“No. If they want to show affection for each other, let them.” Hanamaki snaps, slowly feeling his blood boil. He really wanted to punch the disgusted look his cousin was wearing right off his face. It was one thing to bring him down, but it was another thing to talk so rudely about the people he loves. 

“But it's disgusting.”

“And what do you mean by that?”

“It’s weird! Guys shouldn't date guys. And I mean, it is one thing to date a guy, but to date three guys? What the fuck, Takahiro?” Riku hisses out, stubbornly looking away.

“You don't have to understand it.” Hanamaki whispers, bringing his hand up to his mouth. He moves his finger to bite down on it, but quickly stops himself. He's been trying to stop that horrible habit.

“What?”

“You think your parents understand? You think Hajime’s parents and Issei’s mom understand it? No. They don't. But it's okay. You know why? Because they _try_ to understand it, and they support us. They aren't assholes about it.” He snaps, glaring daggers at his cousin.

“Yeah, well. I don't want to understand it.” He snaps, moving past Hanamaki to push his way into the house. He stops as he enters the entry way, turning to frown at Hanamaki. 

“You know, I think it would've been better for everyone if your dad had succeeded in killing you that day.”

And then he was gone, disappearing around the corner. 

__________

Hanamaki stands in the garden, staring off into space. He knows, he _fucking knows_ that he should've died that day. If he had, then his mom wouldn't of had to waste so much money on his pills. She would of been able to go out and find another guy, maybe actually find happiness. She always said that he made her happy, but did he really? What if she said that to make him feel better? 

He closes his eyes as he leans heavily against a tree, taking a deep breath. If he had died that day, then maybe his mom wouldn't be dead right now. She would be with another man, and that man would've been there to call an ambulance. His mom probably could've spent time for herself, instead of having to worry about raising a depressed, anxiety filled child.

Riku is right. He should've died that day. 

Slowly opening his eyes, he hears distant screaming from the house. Riku was a pretty blunt person, so it's not like he would hide what he said. Riku was probably laughing at the situation- that was just the kind of person he was. 

Grinding his teeth together, he whirls around, driving his fist into the tree. Pain shoots up his arm, and it seemed like centuries ago when he punched the wall back at their home. He hisses, looking down at his knuckles. The skin was torn a bit, small dots of blood bubbling to the skin. It wasn't too bad,would probably bruise-

But it felt _good_. The _pain_ felt good.

He reels back to punch the tree again, but stops as a light pink butterfly lands on a flower next to the tree. Hanamaki gasps in surprise, his eyes instantly watering. 

What was he doing? His mother would be so disappointed if she saw him right now. She would be so so upset if she saw him hurting himself. 

Shaking his head, Hanamaki narrows his eyes. What was he thinking? His mother is dead. He has no mother _to_ disappoint. 

__________

Leaning his back against the tree, he narrows his eyes. He wanted to sleep. That's all. Was that too much to ask for? 

He doesn't hear anyone walk up to him, but a moment later, Iwaizumi is sitting next to him. He gently knocks his knee against Hanamaki’s, reaching out to grab his hand.

He furrows his eyebrows as he studies the knuckles, shaking his head. “You shouldn't hurt yourself.”

Hanamaki looks away, stiffening up. “I didn't mean to. I was…” Was he mad? Or upset? Or was it that he had a desire to find an excuse to hurt himself? “I wasn't thinking straight.” He decides to say instead, lifting his shoulders into a shrug. 

Iwaizumi sighs, bringing the hand to his lips. He gently kisses the bruising knuckles, glancing at Hanamaki who now blushing lightly. “I'm sorry.” 

“Huh? For what?”

“For your cousin. And the things he said. And-”

“Don't be! I can handle it.”

“-and because Issei punched him.”

Hanamaki freezes, slowly turning to fully face Iwaizumi. “He.. _Issei_ punched Riku? It wasn't you?” He asks, trying to fight the smile that was fighting it's way onto his face. 

“Ah, yeah. He confessed to what he said when your aunt asked where you were. We were all pretty mad, and well...he kept going on about how…” He trails off, biting his lip. But Hanamaki knew what those unsaid words were. 

_‘About how you should've died. How it's your fault. How your mom could've lived a happier life if you weren't in the picture.’_

“None of it was true.” Iwaizumi says, clearing his throat. “I was going to beat his face in, but Issei beat me to it. Tooru is currently nursing his lip.”

“W-what?” 

“Riku punched him back.”

Hanamaki’s eyes grow wide, and he stubbornly holds back the tears forming in his eyes. Matsukawa got hurt _because of him_. What kind of boyfriend was he-

“I can practically hear you blaming yourself. Stop it.” Iwaizumi scolds, leaning forward to gently flick his forehead. “Tooru seems really worried about you, by the way. I mean, we all are, but he seems to be extra worried.” 

Hanamaki nods, knowing what that silent request was. He knew he would need to go talk to Oikawa and see what was up. Before getting up, though, he leans forward to gently press a chaste kiss to Iwaizumi’s lips.

“Thank you.” He mumbles as he pulls back, moving to stand up. He knows he owes them all a lot. A simple thank you was not enough to show how much he really appreciates everything they do for him.

“Anything for you, Takahiro.” Iwaizumi grins, looking up at him.

_‘Look at the pity in his-’_

For the first time in his life, he stops the voice in his head. _'You’re wrong.’_ He hisses under his breath, swiftly walking away towards the house.

Maybe, just maybe, with the three by his side...maybe one day he won't need the pills to cancel the voice out.

__________

As he enters the kitchen, he finds Matsukawa in a chair, Oikawa hovering over him with an ice pack. Matsukawa’s lip was bleeding, and his jaw was bruising. He freezes for a moment, watching as Oikawa gently places the ice pack to the swollen lip.

“Tooru, I'm fine.”

“No you're not! I can't believe that _fucking bastard-”_

Matsukawa cuts him off, moving Oikawa’s hand so he could lean in and place a simple kiss to his lips.”Thank you, Tooru, but I'm not going to die.”

Oikawa sighs as he places the ice pack back to his face, shaking his head. “I know, but I can't stand it when someone hurts the people I love.”

“You should be more concerned for Takahiro.”

“Trust me, I am concerned for him. You know he hasn't eaten anything today?”

“Huh? What are you-”

Hanamaki quickly makes his presence known, sliding into Matsukawa’s line of vision. He briskly walks up to the two, nervously biting the inside of his cheek. He would have to feign innocence. 

“Issei, I'm so so sorry.” He starts, anxiously playing with his hands. “I shouldn't of let him get to me- I should've been there to stop him-”

“Takahiro.” Matsukawa says, trying to hide his smile. “You're ridiculous sometimes.” 

“What?”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. You can't help that your cousin is an asshole. Plus, I'm pretty sure that if Issei hadn't thrown a punch, then Hajime or even _I_ would of.” Oikawa explains, keeping the ice pack placed to Matsukawa’s lip.

“Oh. Um. Well,okay.” He smiles weakly, moving to inspect Matsukawa’s wound. 

“Where did Hajime go?” Matsukawa asks,taking the ice pack out of Oikawa’s hands to hold it himself.

“Probably sleeping against a tree.” Hanamaki says, turning to Oikawa. “He actually said that you wanted to speak to me?” 

Oikawa nods to confirm his words, moving to step over to the trash. “You haven't eaten at all today, Takahiro.”

Hanamaki’s blood runs cold, and he feels his eyes grow wide. “I ate breakfast. And my uncle got me cream puffs.”

Oikawa reaches his hand into the trash, moving things out of the way carefully. 

“Tooru-”

He pulls out the full box of cream puffs, turning to face Hanamaki. “You mean these cream puffs?” 

Hanamaki takes a step back, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. He could feel both their stares burning into his skin.

“You...threw away creampuffs?” Matsukaaa whispers in disbelief, and Oikawa quickly places the box back in the trash, moving to wash his hands. He hated getting dirty, but proving people wrong was more important than cleanliness. 

“I-”

“What?” Iwaizumi says in shock, entering the kitchen. “Did I just imagine that?” He asks, staring at Hanamaki.

“I'm...not- I just-” He cuts himself off, desperately looking around. What could he say?

“You need to eat.” Matsukawa says, frowning.

“I can eat later. I'm just..not hungry.” He mutters, looking at anything but the three.

 _‘Pity.’_ The voice of his father whispers, and he squeezes his eyes closed. _'They’re mad. So mad. You should've died. They would be happier without you.’_

Hanamaki blinks his eyes open in surprise, looking at the three in front of him. They were waiting for him to say something. What had they said? 

_‘-Happier without you.'_ Repeats in his mind, and he can't help but smile. A small laugh bubbles out of his lips, and he throws his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughs. His mind was so fucked up. How could he possibly think, that after everything, that they'd be happier without him?

He remembers back in their last year of high school when he had these thoughts. They had assured him that these thoughts were wrong- that they wouldn't be complete without him.

He didn't realize he was crying until he’s pulled into a hug, strong arms wrapping around him. He doesn't care who is hugging him, because he instantly hugs back, burying his face in the fabric of the shirt. 

He wasn't sure why he was crying. Was it because his mind was lying to him? Because of what his cousin said? Maybe he was just happy that they all loved him- that they were willing to punch someone for him. He already knew that they would do anything for him, but that didn't change the fact that he was so overwhelmed with everything at the moment. He didn't know if he was happy or sad or angry.

All he knew is that he needed to cry.

__________

Sitting at the table, he hesitantly eats the food in front of him. He felt like puking, but he forced it down to make them feel better. He suddenly felt very selfish. He wasn't the only one hurting, he should try to comfort his aunt. 

But not only that, he was worrying the three people that meant everything to him. He knew he had every reason to be upset and angry, but that still did not change the fact that he was worrying them. He should of been more considerate.

So, with that mindset, he shovels food into his mouth.

Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were debating about something while Oikawa was lazily scrolling through his phone, probably checking his social media. It was so normal, so familiar, so warm. This was what home felt like, and he would have it no other way. 

Of course, all good things come to an end. Riku awkwardly walks into the room, obviously being forced into whatever it is he’s doing.

“I'm sorry.” He says first to Matsukawa, and that's when Hanamaki notices the black eye. Matsukawa looks away from Iwaizumi, briefly looking Riku up and down. He doesn't say anything, instead he looks at Hanamaki. 

That's when Riku shuffles over, bowing slightly. “I'm sorry, Takahiro. You were right.” He starts, laughing softly- yet he could tell it was strained. “I should try to understand instead of being an ass. I completely understand if you hate me.” He says, straightening up. He then turns to leave, the relief of apologizing clear on his face.

“Riku.” Hanamaki says, setting his chopsticks down. 

“I forgive you.”

__________

“Takahiro.” Natsumi says, placing a book in his lap. He was sitting on the couch, watching some drama with Oikawa sobbing about one of the main characters next to him. Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were lounging on the floor, both on their phones.

“What is it?” He asks, slowly cracking the book open. He finally registers that it's a photo album.

“I just thought you'd like to see it.” She smiles, moving to disappear in the kitchen. 

He watches her walk away before opening the book, blinking slowly. The first picture was one with both his mom and aunt as little kids. His mom, being the older sibling, was proudly holding her baby sister in her small arms. He smiles softly at the sight, gently flipping the next page. The next was one with his mom at a butterfly garden, wearing a butterfly shirt- so her obsession was something that's always been with her. Huh.

He continues to flip through the pictures until he stumbles across one of him. He was a newborn, and in the picture his mother was laying in the hospital bed, smiling ear to ear as she held him. She had tear tracks on her face, and she looked so happy. 

_“You make me happy, Takahiro.”_

He sniffs, rubbing his eyes. The next picture was basically the same photo, but with his father next to them, wearing a huge grin. He looked happy as well. When did he stop being happy with them?

Shaking his head, he continues on. He stops as he sees one of him at sixteen, an arm thrown over his mother’s shoulder as he laughs. Warmth spreads through his chest, and he sniffs softly again. His mother was smiling as well, looking genuinely happy.

The next one causes him to freeze. It was his mom, but it also had Matsukawa, Iwaizumi, and Oikawa. Oikawa was winking at his mom, Iwaizumi was rolling his eyes at Oikawa, and Matsukawa stood beside Hanamaki, both of them laughing. He remembers that day. One of his birthday- Oikawa’s mom had taken the picture. How did his aunt get it? Did she talk to his boyfriend’s parents? 

Shaking his head, he smiles at the picture. It was a nice picture. He doesn't care how his aunt got it.

A weight on his shoulder pulls him back to reality, and he glances at Oikawa. 

“Ooo, that's a nice picture. Wait- does your aunt talk to my mom? How did she get that picture?” Oikawa asks, studying the photo. 

“I don't know, I guess she does.” Hanamaki says, flipping the page. There were no other pictures. But that was okay, because all the ones he saw filled his heart with warmth. 

Setting the book on the coffee table, he turns his attention to the TV. The drama Oikawa had been crying over was over, and now some random show was on. Giving him a huge smile, Oikawa lays down, resting his head on Hanamaki’s lap. He sighs with content, closing his eyes.

Hanamaki rolls his eyes, but gently runs his hands through the soft brown locks. It was moments like these that made everything okay.

__________

Hanamaki groans as he stretches his hands over his head, lazily looking around the room. Matsukawa and Iwaizumi had retreated to bed about an hour ago, leaving him and Oikawa to watch TV. 

But ten minutes ago Oikawa had gone to sleep. Sighing, he leans down. He puts one arm under his knees, the other under his back. Grunting, he lifts Oikawa up, carrying him bridal style up the stairs. 

“You're lucky I love you, Tooru.” He mumbles, walking slowly so he wouldn't jostle him awake.

“Mmm...love you, too ‘Hiro.” He mumbles, nuzzling his nose against Hanamaki’s neck. 

Opening the door to the empty guest room- Matsukawa and Iwaizumi had taken the other room- he drops Oikawa on to the bed. The brunette squeals in surprise as he hits the bed, rolling to the side to grab a blanket. 

“I can't believe you were awake. You made me carry you. Do you know how heavy you are?”

Oikawa only mumbles some random words that don't make sense, curling up with the blankets. Rolling his eyes fondly, Hanamaki slides into the bed. He flicks the lamp by the bed off, and the two are surrounded by darkness. “Goodnight, Tooru.” He yawns, closing his eyes.

Arms wrap around him,pulling him close. A soft pair of lips ghost over his mouth before snuggling closer. “Night night, ‘Hiro.” Oikawa mutters, instantly falling asleep. 

_“I believe one day, you will forget all your troubles.” Azumi says at the table with full confidence._

_“It's not that easy.” Hanamaki mumbles, poking at his food with his chopsticks._

___“I know it’s not. But one day, you’ll meet people who will make it easier.”_ _ _

__Hanamaki smiles again, letting sleep overtake him.  
His mom was completely right._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: A Funeral 
> 
> Tumblr: Pigeon-religeon


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no good excuse for why this is late but I am sorry that it is late please don't hate me QAQ  
> it was like, I knew what I wanted to happen and write, but I didn't know how to write it and it was awful ;-; so sorry that this chapter is bad ;^;

Hanamaki groans, curling up into a tight ball. He whines as something pokes his cheek, pulling the covers over his head. He somehow had such a good night's sleep with no dreams, so why was someone trying to wake him up? Something yanks the blanket away, poking his cheek again.

 

“Taka’.” A voice whispers in his ear, warm breath causing him to shiver. “Taka’, you need to get up.” The voice whispers. He feels soft hands on his face, before a gentle kiss is placed upon his lips. The figure pulls away as quick as it had showed up, shaking him gently. 

 

“Hiro. Hey, Hiro. Taka. Takahiro. Yo. We got, like, thirty minutes till we got to go.” The voice informs him, still gently shaking him. Go? Go...where? Was he forgetting something? Was it an anniversary? Was it someone's birthday? Christmas? Wha-

 

He sits up straight, eyes growing wide. “Ah, shit.” He mumbles, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Ah, welcome to the waking world.~” Oikawa laughs, leaning over to place a kiss to his cheek. “Your uncle brought up your suit, it's on the dresser. You have ten minutes to get ready before one of us come to drag you down to eat, alright?” 

 

“Yes, mother.” He says dryly, instantly tensing up. Fuck. “Whatever, I'll be quick.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. Oikawa smiles sadly, but doesn't say another word as he makes his way out of the room. 

 

Slowly rolling out of the bed, he steps up to the dresser. Picking up the suit, he stares at it for a few moments. He has never worn a suit before in his life. His mom...would never get to see him dressed up like this-

 

Shaking his head harshly, he swiftly changes out of the clothes he was wearing, and into the suit. He vaguely remembers watching some random video on how to tie a tie, and he can only assume that he did it correctly. It looked correct.  

 

He quickly brushes his teeth and runs his hands through his hair, turning to leave the room. Only to freeze as he places his hand on the doorknob. He would have to see his mother today. Maybe not really, she would be in a casket, but..she would be in the same place as him. His dad would be there, too.

 

Taking a shaky breath, he closes his eyes.

 

_ “Everything in this world dies one day.” His mother says at the dinner table, the bags under her eyes giving away that she was overworking herself.  _

 

_ “You're right. But, uh...why the sudden topic?”  _

 

_ “Ah, it was just a thought. I wonder what happens after death? I like to believe that we will be reincarnated...but, what if there's nothing afterwards? That would be sad.” _

 

_ Hanamaki stares at his mother wide wide eyes, trying to wrap his young mind around her words. “When you die, mom, I promise to pray for your reincarnation!” He exclaims, setting his chopsticks down. His mother blinks in surprise, raising an eyebrow. _

 

_ “Pray for my reincarnation?” _

 

_ “Mmhmm! I'll pray that you will come back as the prettiest butterfly ever!”  _

 

_ “Ah, that's sweet of you. You won't have to worry about doing that till you're way older, though.” _

 

_ “Yeah! Mom isn't allowed to die until I'm at least in my fifties.” _

 

_ “Ah, alright. I promise I will hold on till then.” She smiles, picking her chopsticks up. They both fall silent as the front door opens, signaling that his father was now home. _

 

Hanamaki walks down the stairs, the thick smell of food surrounding him as he enters the kitchen. Bile rises in his throat, but he pushes it down. 

 

Putting on the best smile he could muster up, he hesitantly slides into the kitchen, sitting next to Iwaizumi. He glances at the other three- who were currently debating something with Taichi- and fights down a blush. They all looked  _ stunning  _ in suits. If only he could've seen them looking like this under different conditions. 

 

He goes unnoticed- thankfully- for about a whole two minutes before Natsumi strolls in, casting him a gentle ‘good morning.’ (But was it good?)

 

“We have ten minutes, so you better hurry and eat.” Matsukawa says lightly, nudging his shoulder. 

 

He can feel everyone's eyes on him, and he knows they're waiting for him to eat. If he eats, that means he's trying to get better. If he doesn't, then that means they'll worry and he doesn't want that.

 

Rolling his eyes, he ignores the sick feeling in his stomach and take a bite of food. “Then I better eat fast, huh?” He grins, pretending that he didn't see the relief flood over their faces.

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki finds himself in the restroom three minutes before it's time to go, vomiting into the toilet.  Wiping his mouth with a towel and swiftly brushing his teeth, he glances into the mirror. 

 

He has never felt so sick before. He wasn't even  _ really  _ sick, it was more like he was nervous. But he would force food down today if it meant easing their worried minds. 

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki stares out the window as the car drives down the road, his eyes scanning the sky. He could feel his nerves slowly growing. He felt like he was on the fine line of having another anxiety attack. 

 

Something reaches over, squeezing his knee. He flinches in surprise, turning to look at Iwaizumi. He smiles weakly, patting his knee. It was his silent way of saying  _ ‘you’ll be okay. We’re here for you.’ _

 

Hanamaki smiles softly, nodding his head to show he understood. He then takes the hand off of his knee, moving to lace their fingers together before looking back out the window. 

 

As they reach the cemetery, he squeezes Iwaizumi’s hand subconsciously, gnawing on his lip nervously. Taichi parks the car, turning to his wife. Hanamaki doesn't register the words they say, but in the next moment everyone is piling out of the car.

 

He let's go of Iwaizumi’s hand, slowly slipping out of the car. He watches as Riku slips into the crowd, his parents following close behind. A loud call causes Oikawa to turn, and then he's running to greet his parents. Iwaizumi and Matsukawa then disappear, both going to greet their own parents. 

 

He should've expected this. All their parents were close friends, so it was only natural that they'd all show up. But standing there alone, watching as they got to talk to their respective parents, he couldn't help but feel bitter. His mom was dead and his dad was an abusive bastard who he never talked to. He couldn't help but feel like life was slightly unfair.

 

Shaking his head, he frowns. He really shouldn't be so selfish. He was happy for his boyfriend’s having supportive, living parents. He should be happy that they have them. 

 

Biting his lip, he mentally scolds himself. He can't believe he's being so selfish. How could he think that way? 

 

“Ah, Takahiro.” A smooth voice says, causing him to turn around. Ah, of course.  _ Him. _

 

“Mind if we chat? We couldn't really have a serious conversation with your...friends standing there.”

 

“Boyfriends. Significant others. Whatever word they use these days. They’re more than just my friends.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. We have five minutes before they're going to start this thing. Follow me?” It was phrased as a question, but he could tell that there was no room for argument. He didn't really have the energy to argue, anyways. 

 

Loosening his tie, Hanamaki glances behind him. Oikawa looked as if he was flirting with Iwaizumi’s mom, Matsukawa was smiling, talking easily to his own dad with Iwaizumi next to him. The other adults were talking among each other. 

 

No one would notice if he happened to slip away for a moment. 

 

“Sure.” He finally mumbles, moving to follow his father. 

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki hasn't spoken to his father one-on-one since the day he almost died. He always had someone by his side. To say he was nervous at the moment was an understatement. 

 

“So, I just wanted to say that your mom was a good woman.”

 

What? 

 

“I did love her. Really, I did. But, people fall out of love.”

 

Why was he telling him this?

 

“I fell in love with someone else. And, well, we had a one night stand. Afterwards, she told me she couldn't be with me. She had a family of her own to take care of. That's when I started drinking. I came home, to see the life I had with the woman I did not love. I saw the son who was the biggest disappointment in my life. His grades weren't good, he wasn't special in any way. That's why I was mad. I could've had a better life, with someone I actually loved. But she wouldn't have me, and I was stuck with you two. I was going to get a divorce, but that was way too much effort. Why would I give up someone who cooked for me? Why would I give up someone who washed my clothes? Why would I give up my own personal punching bag, the thing that helped me get rid of my stress?” He explains, sounding as if that was a valid excuse for what he did. 

 

“You cheated on mom?” Hanamaki whispers in disbelief, taking a step back. Out of all the things his dad could've said, it was this. An explanation for why he did what he did. 

 

Fuck him, honestly. 

 

“Oh? I guess she never did say anything. Natsumi always refused to believe your mother about the abuse, because she believed me to be a good man. She also knew that if she went against me, I could tell Taichi about our little affair. It wasn't until your mother came crying to her doorstep that she finally agreed to help.” 

 

The world suddenly freezes, and Hanamaki feels as if the ground had opened up, swallowing him whole. The distant chatter of the people waiting for the funeral fade away, leaving his father’s words to echo endlessly through his mind.

 

His aunt. The one who saved him. The one who helped him. The one who offered him a place to stay for the weekend. Who gave him warm food and a safe place to live.  _ She  _ was the start of all of this?

 

“Ah, the look on your face in priceless.” His father laughs, shaking his head. “I'm only telling you this because I know it’ll affect you negatively. Plus, someone else needs to know that your aunt isn't as truthful as she seems to be.”

 

Hanamaki doesn't answer. Instead, he just stands there, eyes wide. His aunt did none of that out of the kindness of her heart. It all made sense. 

 

She helped Azumi and him and she gave him a place to stay because she felt  _ guilty.  _ She couldn't care less about him. Everything she's done for him was so that she could try to erase her guilt. 

 

“Ah, looks like it's about to start.” He chuckles, giving him a small smirk. “It was nice speaking to you.” He mumbles before retreating back to the place.

 

As he walks away, Hanamaki takes a shaky breath. His aunt has been acting this whole time, and he fell for her act. 

 

**__________**

 

_ “Takahiro, honey? Can I talk to you for a moment?” Natsumi asks, settling down in the chair beside his bed. The young male frowns, tilting his head to the side. His aunt has never visited without his mom by her side. _

 

_ Closing his book, he sets it in his lap to give her his full attention. “Of course, aunt Natsumi.” He mumbles, giving her a small smile.  _

 

_ “I want to say I'm sorry.”  _

 

_ “Sorry?”  _

 

_ “Mmhmm. I'm sorry, Takahiro.” She whispers, looking down at her lap. Hanamaki didn't understand  _ **_why_ ** _ she was sorry. She hasn't done anything wrong- she had helped them. Why was she apologizing?  _

 

_ “Uh...why are you sorry?”  _

 

_ “I..that's not important. I just want you to know that I am.”  _

 

_ Hanamaki frowns again, the confusion plain to see on his face. “You shouldn't say sorry if you have no reason to say sorry.” _

 

_ “Ah, I suppose you're right. But, I need to say it, okay? So, again, I'm sorry.” She says, lifting her gaze so that she could look at him. _

 

_ “Hm. Well, whatever it is, I forgive you!” He grins, leaning over in the bed so he could pat her shoulder a bit clumsily. She let's a small smile filter across her face before she stands up, wiping invisible dust off her clothes. _

 

_ “Thank you, Takahiro.”  _

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki stands in the very back, the light breeze ruffling his hair slightly. He saw the empty seat saved for him beside Natsumi and Matsukawa, but he wasn't sure if he could handle being so close to his aunt after learning something as big as this 

 

He grits his teeth, looking towards the front. The words spoken go in one ear, instantly out the other. Many people got up to say nice things about his mother, but he couldn't find it in himself to properly pay attention. They all said basically the same thing- she was a great mother, a kind soul, a hard worker. He already knew all of that, there was no reason for him to pay attention. 

 

He scans the crowd, narrowing his eyes. Were all these people really his mother's friends? His eyes land on his dad, and he bites his lip to stop the string of curses he wanted to scream out. How  _ dare _ his dad waltz in like he belonged. He didn't deserve to be here.

 

When he looks away, he sees that the speeches were almost done. He sucks in a startled breath, taking a step back. He didn't want to see the next part. He didn't want to see his mother disappear into the ground.

 

Turning around, he types out a quick message to the group chat, and walks away. 

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki sinks to the ground, pulling his knees up to his chest. Burying his face against his knees, he squeezes his eyes shut. 

 

The funeral would be over soon, and then he could go back to the apartment and go back to normal, everyday life, and pretend that nothing had happened. Well, he could try. But he knew he wouldn't be able to do that.

 

A feeling of dread crawls up his spine, bile rising in the back of his throat. The reality of the situation was slowly growing bigger. His mother was one of his best friends. He could talk to her about everything. But...now she was gone...he had no home to return to now. 

 

“Takahiro.” Jerking his head up, he stares at Natsumi with wide eyes. He wasn't ready to talk to her yet. He didn't want to have to confront her yet-

 

“He told you, didn't he?” She whispers, settling down beside him.

 

Instead of answering, he looks out at the cemetery. People from the funeral were slowly trickling out, all leaving to go to their homes.

 

“So he did.” She mumbles, picking at the grass. “It was a mistake. Taichi and I were going through a rough time..and..it was a moment of weakness. I know, that's not a good excuse. I still feel really bad about it.” She mumbles, slowly looking up at the sky. “You should hate me, for doing that to your mother. She found out a year ago. That's why she hasn't talked to me for so long. Then, of course...a week after talking to me, she dies. God, I owe her so much.” She turns to face him. “That's why I'm not going to mess up again. I'm going to be there for you. I know I can't replace your mother, but if there's anything you ever need, just tell me.” 

 

“I don't want your pity.” He blurts out, refusing to meet her gaze. He didn't need someone to pretend to love him. He didn't need someone to be nice to him out of  _ guilt  _ and  _ pity.  _

 

“Takahiro, that isn't what this is. You're my nephew. I do care for you.” 

 

Hanamaki stands up, shaking his head. “If you care for me, then promise you won't treat me as if I'm a fragile thing. I may be broken, but I'm being mended back together just fine in my own. I don't need special treatment.” He says, glancing down at her. “And if it means anything, I forgive you. I shouldn't, but I do. I can't just ignore the things you've done for me.” 

 

Natsumi sighs in relief, laughing weakly. “I'll take what I can get.” She whispers, gently rubbing her eyes. “You're a good kid, Takahiro.” 

 

_ “You're a disappointment.” His father hisses, the cup in his hands shattering by Hanamaki’s feet. _

 

_ “You're a wonderful person, Takahiro.” Azumi whispers, pulling him into a hug. _

 

_ “You're an important person to us, Takahiro.”  Iwaizumi says, Oikawa and Matsukawa nodding in agreement.  _

 

Hanamaki smiles softly at his aunt, shaking his head. Without another word, he walks away.

 

**_________**

 

“Takahiro, sweetheart!” Oikawa’s mother gasps, pulling him into a tight hug. He gasps in shock at the sudden contact, momentarily forgetting how to breath.

 

“Mom, you're going to suffocate him.” Oikawa sighs, prying his mother's hand off of Hanamaki. 

 

Once he’s away from Oikawa’s mother, he's pulled into two more hugs from Matsukawa’s mother and then Iwaizumi’s. He can't remember the last time he got so many hugs.

 

Before he can utter a word, a hand is on his shoulder, turning him around. He's met with the stern look Matsukawa’s dad always wears. “I'm sorry for your loss, Takahiro.”

 

“Oh, um, I-”

 

“Are you okay? Eating good? Sleeping well?” Iwaizumi’s dad asks, turning to face him.

 

“Well-”

 

“If you need anything, we’re here for you.” Oikawa’s dad says, nodding his head as if he had said the best thing ever. 

 

“Oh, th-”

 

“You poor thing! You don't have any parents left! Well, you have your dad, but he's a bastard. Azumi told us all about him. If you ever need old people advice, don't be afraid to talk to me!” Iwaizumi’s mom smiles, meaning well. But he can't help but feel a small sting from her words.

 

_ ‘Ah, you're so pathetic. All these people, taking pity on you.’.  _ The voice hasn't spoken all day, so why did it have to choose now to speak? He shakes his head in annoyance, choosing to completely ignore the voice. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, but he would have to do it. 

 

“Oh. Um. Thank you. Iwaizumi-san.” He mumbles, finally getting in a full sentence. 

 

“You guys are crowding him.” Iwaizumi snaps, shooing his parents a couple steps back. 

 

Hanamaki sighs in relief as the parents give him his space, and he runs a hand through his hair. 

 

“Takahiro.” He tenses up, slowly turning around. “Have you spoken to your aunt yet? Don't give me that look, I'm just curious.”

 

“I…” He trails off, wishing that the others weren't standing right behind him. “That's none of your fucking business. I don't get why you're talking to me again, so it would be great if you could fuck off.” 

 

His father chuckles, tilting his head. “So harsh. I just want to talk to my son “

 

Hanamaki awkwardly shifts from foot to foot, nervously biting the inside of his cheek. “I don't want to talk to you. I already gave you the chance to talk, I'm not giving you another.”

 

“Well, that's fair enough.” He smiles, looking over his shoulder. He grins at the small group, stepping closer. When he raises his hand, Hanamaki flinches back harshly, stumbling back a few feet, a look of absolute horror passing through his features.

 

“Woah, no need to over react.” He laughs, moving forward again. He places a hand on Hanamaki’s shoulder, causing the younger male to stiffen up. His father leans in, whispering in his ear.

 

_ “You're my son, no matter what. So one day you'll be just like me.”  _ He hisses, loud enough for the people behind him to hear. He steps back with an easy smile, quickly waving before he briskly walks away. 

 

Someone gently taps his shoulder, causing him to jump about three feet in the air, whipping around. 

 

“Taka-” Matsukawa says, but Hanamaki shakes his head.

 

“I'm fine.” 

 

**_________**

 

They all go to lunch afterwards, the parents paying. He carefully chokes down is food, trying his best not to gag. He didn't know why, but food was just...not appealing. 

 

"You know, Takahiro, you won't become him." Iwaizumi says. Hanamaki looks at him in confusion, raising an eyebrow.

 

"You won't become your father. You're too much like your mom." He explains, giving him a small smile. Hanamaki blinks in surprise, but smiles a second later.

 

"Thanks, Hajime."

 

**__________**

 

After saying many goodbyes to all their parents, and saying thank you multiple times, they board the train for the ride home. Hanamaki decided that he wouldn't tell Taichi- Natsumi should work up the courage to do that herself. 

 

He sits beside Matsukawa, leaning his head against his shoulder. Matsukawa kisses the side of his head, running a hand through his hair. “You going to be okay?” He asks softly. 

 

Hanamaki hums, shrugging his shoulders. “As okay as I'll ever be.” He whispers, “I’ll be fine once we get back to the apartment.” 

 

Matsukawa nods, looking out the window. “Yeah. I'm glad we're going back home.”

 

Hanamaki stills, his words meaning way more than they should've. With a small smile, he nods his head. "Yeah, home."

 

**__________**

 

As Iwaizumi unlocks the door to the apartment, Hanamaki suddenly feels restless. His pills were  _ right behind that door _ . And he was desperate. He wanted to chug down the pills he needed, then collapse on the couch and skip his classes for a whole week.

 

Iwaizumi finally unlocks the door, stepping into the room. They all shuffle into the hallway, kicking off their shoes.

 

Hanamaki instantly makes a beeline for the rest room, not caring that they could probably find him taking his pills. He didn't have to hide it anymore. He reaches the restroom, digging around until he finds the bottle hidden deep in a drawer. 

 

He sighs in relief, pouring out the right amount before tilting his head back, letting the pills slide down his throat. The only reason why he had forced himself to keep his lunch down was because it was never a good idea to take pills on an empty stomach. He quickly hides the bottle back, exiting the restroom. It would take a while for the pills to kick in, but he already felt better.

 

He ventures into the living room to find Oikawa already on the couch, watching some movie. Matsukawa had his text books out, Iwaizumi in the kitchen. He can't help but smile, knowing that they all had skipped classes today- important classes that would help with their future- to be there for him today. 

 

He owed them so much. 

 

Grabbing a blanket off the couch, he plops down, laying his head down on Oikawa’s lap. He snuggles closer, closing his eyes. He just wanted to sleep for as long as possible.

 

A hand runs through his hair, causing him to sink into the couch and relax.

 

_ “So, are they the ones?” Azumi asks, smiling at her son. _

 

_ “Wha-?" _

 

_ “The ones who will make everything easier?” _

 

_ Hanamaki goes silent for a moment, staring at his mother for a couple moments before he finally answers. _

  
_ “Yes, they are.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter gasp


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /shows up days late with no excuse  
> I'm so sorry okay I like..knew what I wanted write but I couldn't write it?? If that makes sense.  
> ANyways this is basically just a wrap up chapter because I would've felt weird ending it so quickly   
> BUt anyways sorry for the really crappy chapter ;-;

For the following week, Hanamaki finds the days blurring into one long day. He barely slept throughout the week. It should of been easy, really, because he didn’t live with his mother anymore. He should’ve been able to pretend that everything was okay-

 

But he found himself holding his phone after class, thumb hovering over the call button so he could call his mother and tell her what project he was working on. But then it hit him and he had to put his phone away before he broke down in the middle of the hallway. 

 

He now sat in his seat, sketch pad lying in front of him. A blank page stares back at him, begging him to draw something. But he couldn’t think of anything to write. The theme was something beautiful, and the first thing to pop into his mind was his mother. The next was Oikawa, Matsukawa, and Iwaizumi. He then thought of a cherryblossom tree, a sunset, then-

 

A pink butterfly landing on a flower five feet away from him. 

 

Furrowing his eyebrows, he goes straight to work, drawing the image that had been stitched into his mind. He doesn’t register his phone buzzing repeatedly, but he jumps a the shrill ring echoes across the room. His hand jerks violently to the side, his pencil scratching into the paper, ruining the drawing. He gapes at the ruined page for awhile, his phone going silent.    
  


Whipping his head towards the device, he feels annoyance crawl up his spine. He picks up the device, sucking in a startled breath, the annoyance completely vanishing. 

 

[11:30 PM]

**_Tooru:_** _You on your way home??_

 

[11:35 PM]

**_Hajime:_ ** _ Takahiro? The last train is leaving in thirty minutes are you taking it? _

 

[11:40 PM]

**_Issei:_** _Taka??? Hello??_

 

[11:50 PM]

**_Hajime:_** _Are you ok??_

 

[11:55 PM]

**_Tooru:_** _You better be on the train!!_

 

[12:05 AM]

**_Tooru:_** _Hiro???_

 

_ -1 missed called from Issei  _

 

_ -Incoming call from Hajime  _

 

He instantly answers, pulling the phone to his ear. 

 

“Oh thank god, you picked up. We were so worried.”  Iwaizumi’s voice says through the phone, causing Hanamaki to bite his lip. He felt so bad. 

 

“Sorry, sorry! I got really distracted with..” He looks down at the now ruined picture and sighs, shaking his head. “..with my project, and I didn’t realize the time.”

 

“Wait, are you not on the train home?”

 

“Um..” He laughs nervously, looking around the empty room. “Yeah, I am not on the train. But it’s okay-”

 

“How is that okay?! The campus is fifteen minutes away by train, you can’t just walk home!” 

 

“Okay...I’ll walk home anyways.”

 

“Takahiro, it is midnight! It’s too late to walk. Just get a taxi, or one of us can drive-”

 

“Hajime, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Love you, see you later.” He says quickly, hanging up the phone. He then looks down at the ruined picture, a frown on his face. He really didn’t mean to worry them. He’s been worrying them a lot lately.

 

Shaking his head, he stands up, stuffing his belongings in his bag before exiting the school. 

 

[12:10 AM]

**_Issei:_ ** _ be careful  _

 

[12:10 AM]

**_Takahiro:_ ** _ I will  _

 

**__________**

 

Quietly entering the apartment, he sets his bag by the door. It was now 12:50, and he should be tired, but he wasn’t. Tiptoeing into the living room he finds Iwaizumi and Matsukawa on opposite ends of the couch, Oikawa in between them. It was obvious they were waiting for him to get home, only for them to pass out. 

 

A fond smile stretches across his face, and he quickly moves to get them all a blanket. After placing the blanket on them, he retreats into the kitchen, sitting down. Running a hand down his face, a sigh escape his lips. He was being ridiculous. He couldn't destroy himself, his mother wouldn’t want that. None of the people in the other room wanted that to happen.  _ He  _ didn’t want that to happen. 

 

But in order to get better, to move past this, he needed peace. He needed closure. And he knew what he needed to do. 

 

**_________**

 

Hanamaki grabs his phone and wallet, running a hand through his hair. It was eight in the morning, so he wasn’t about to wake anyone up this early on a weekend. 

 

[8:07 AM]

**_Takahiro:_ ** _ Went out, be back soon.  _

 

Closing the door behind him, he pulls his bag over his shoulder. He didn’t want to do this, he really didn’t want to do this...but it was the only way he could think of. A he exits the building, he brings his phone up to his ear. It rings for about two minutes before the person picks up, his rough voice mumbling a small ‘hello?’

 

“Hey, dad. Can we talk?” 

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki enters the small coffee shop, waving at Kindaichi who stood behind it. The younger teen jumps in surprise, smiling instantly. 

 

“Hi, Kindaichi. Mind is I get some cream puffs?” He asks, eyeing the cream puffs in the glass case. He hasn’t had cream puffs in what feels like forever. He wasn’t even sure if he’d want to eat them. 

 

“Of course, Hanamaki-senpai.” Kindaichi beams, moving to collect the treats. After paying and retrieving the food, he swiftly makes his way to a booth near the back, settling down. He watches as the door of the shop opens, and in enters his father. The middle aged man walks up to Kindaichi, making small conversation before he gets some coffee. His father then looks around, his eyes landing on Hanamaki. 

 

He ignores Kindaichi’s surprised look as the man walks over to him, sliding into the spot across from him. 

 

“Ah, hello Takahiro.” 

 

Hanamaki gives him a tight smile, poking one of his cream puff’s with his finger. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, but-

 

_ “If I could tell your father anything, I would ask him why he changed.” _

 

_ Hanamaki looks up in surprise, his eyes growing wide. His mother never talked about him. “Changed?” _

 

_ “He wasn’t always that way, ‘Hiro. He used to be very lovely, he used...he used to love me.” _

 

_ “Mom-” _

 

_ “No, no. Nevermind, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t of brought him up.” _

 

Hanamaki frowns at his father, watching as he sips his coffee. He already knew why he changed. He fell out of love. He was bitter. 

 

_ Hanamaki stands in the gym, holding the volleyball tightly in his hands. That morning he had found his mother sobbing over an old photo album, her shoulders shaking violently. He knew there was nothing he could do to comfort her, he was useless- _

 

_ “Hey, Hanamaki.” Oikawa grins, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. The first year Hanamaki looks at his friend, willing for the tears in his eyes to disappear- but of course Oikawa noticed. “What’s wrong?” He instantly asks, moving his arm to place both hands on his shoulders.  _

 

_ Hanamaki angrily rubs his eyes, looking away. “What are you talking about, I’m fine.” He laughs weakly, but his voice cracking gives him away.  _

 

_ Oikawa frowns, furrowing his eyebrows together. “Alright. Well, just know that you don’t need to be scared of talking about things. It always  help if you talk about it.” He mumbles before smiling, turning to walk away.  _

 

_ Scared? Was he scared? _

 

Yes, he was. 

 

“Why did you show up to Mom’s funeral? Why did you hurt her? Why did you hurt me?” He asks in one breath, forcing himself to not make eye contact with his father. 

 

“I showed up to check up on Natsumi, if you want my honesty. And the other two, I have already answered.” He says calmly, sipping his coffee. 

 

Hanamaki frowns, looking at the cream puffs. Why did he do this? He had no idea what to say. “Why do you try to ruin my life?” He asks in a whisper, glancing at his phone as it buzzes. 

 

“Ah, because I had to suffer. So it’s only fair that you have to as well.” He answers easily, downing the rest of his coffee. Hanamaki feels his whole body tense, and he jerks his head up. 

 

“ _ That’s  _ your reason? What kind of fucking shitty excuse is that?” He snaps harshly, glaring daggers at him. 

 

“It’s the truth. You won’t get another reason.” 

 

Hanamaki frowns, ignoring the buzzing from his phone again. Was he satisfied now? Was that all he wanted to know? Why did he still feel like something was missing..?

 

“I want you to know, right here, right now. I hate you. I hate what you did to mom, what you did to me. I hate you for sneaking into my head and for turning my life upside down. But...thank you.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Thank you. Thanks to you, I am happy now. I have three people who love me. I have friends who care for me. Really, if you think about it, it’s all thanks to you.” He says, quickly standing up. Grabbing the uneaten cream puffs, he nods to his father one last time. “This is the last time I will speak to you, so speak now or forever hold your peace.” 

 

His father goes silent for a moment, staring at his empty cup. “I hate you.” He hisses out, his grip tightening around the cup. “I hate that you can...that you can just call me up and be  _ nice  _ to me! You’re supposed to hate me! A normal person would!”

 

“I’m not normal.”

 

“But you should be! You always fucking disappoint me like this!” He shouts, ignoring the stares from the other customers. He then takes his cup, throwing it at Hanamaki. He winches at it smashes against his forehead, the glass cutting above his forehead. 

 

“H-Hanamaki!” Kindaichi squeaks, rushing up to him. Hanamaki only shakes his head, smiling at his father. 

 

“I think you have some anger issues to sort out. Goodbye now.” He says in a forced sweet voice, turning on his heel, and walking away while waving a worrying Kindaichi away.

 

**__________**

 

He checks his phone, only to find messages from the other three all wondering where he had gone. He doesn’t answer, seeing as how the coffee shop was only about a three minute walk from the apartment. He looks up at the sky, bringing his hand up to the injury. When he brings his hand to his eyes, he sucks in a startled breath. His dad really did have problems that he needed to sort out. 

 

Making his way into the building, he takes the stairs two at a time until he reaches their floor. Slowly walking towards his home, he takes a deep breath. Would he be able to run in and disappear into the restroom to clean up his wound before they saw him? They were all awake, so the chances were slim, but he still found himself hoping that they had fallen back asleep. 

 

Opening the door, he swiftly slips his shoes off, making a beeline towards the restroom. As he walks by the couch, he sets the cream puffs on the table. The distant noise of someone cooking causes him to freeze, his eyes growing wide. Spinning on his heel, he stomps into the kitchen to find Oikawa at the stove, a panicked look on his face. Matsukawa and Iwaizumi stood around, both of them looking lost as smoke rises into the air. 

 

“Oh my god, are you guys trying to burn down the kitchen?!” He gasps, shuffling into the room. He promptly shoos Oikawa away from the stove, waving his hands for Iwaizumi and Matsukawa to step back at well. He quickly grabs the pan of...eggs? He wasn’t sure. They looked like charcoal. He walks over to the trash can, pouring the ruined food in before turning around, placing a hand on his hip.

 

“This is why you guys aren’t allowed to cook.”

 

“Oh my god, you're bleeding!” Oikawa gasps, completely ignoring what he had just said. Hanamaki notices the puffiness around Oikawa's eyes, a sign that he had been crying, but it slips his mind as Oikawa steps forward, placing a hand on his chin. “What happened?” He whispers, turning to look at Matsukawa. He nods, slipping out of the room to get the first aid kit. 

 

“Ah- that’s not..”

 

“Takahiro, don’t lie to us.” Iwaizumi sighs, crossing his arms. 

 

Hanamaki frowns, moving to set the pan down. Matsukawa then reenters the room, handing the kit over to Oikawa. OIkawa quickly opens it, moving to wipe away the blood above his eye. 

 

“Okay, well…” He mumbles, looking down at his hands. “I met up with my dad.” He whispers, biting his lip. He still wasn’t sure why he needed to do that. Did he even get closure? Is that really what he wanted to happen? “I needed to get closure. If that makes sense. I don’t know. But he got mad, and..well…” He gestures to his face, giving them a weak smile. “Kindaichi seemed really worried, though. I should probably go say sorry.” 

 

When no one speaks up, he hesitantly looks up to meet their gazes. 

 

“I’m going to kill him.” Iwaizumi spits, turning to walk away. Matsukawa quickly reaches out, grabbing the back of his shirt. 

 

Oikawa places a band aid on his cut, taking a step back. “Hajime, that’s not a smart idea. If I am assuming correctly, Takahiro probably told him that that was the last time he’d speak to him.” 

 

Hanamaki blinks in surprise, but nods his head to confirm Oikawa’s thoughts. Clearing his throat before the conversation could ocntinue, he turns to grab one of the eggs out of the carton. “So...break fast?” 

 

**__________**

 

Hanamaki leans against the tree, sketch book laying in his lap. In the distance, he watches as Iwaizumi throws his fishing line into the water, all his concentration focused on the task. Matsukawa follows his example, both of them showing signs that they had been fishing before. Then there was Oikawa. He throws the line, only for it to plop down right in front of him. He tries again, but let’s go too soon and somehow gets his hook stuck on a tree. His whining can be heard from where Hanamaki is sitting, and he has to cover his mouth to keep himself from laughing. 

 

“TAKAHIRO!” Oikawa calls, turning to face him. Hanamaki raises an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side. “HAJIME AND ISSEI ARE _BEING MEAN TO ME!_ ” He complains. Hanamaki only chuckles, turning his attention to his sketch book. 

 

He hears Oikawa gasp, exclaiming about how “Takahiro shouldn’t ignore me!” Before he turns his whole attention back to his sketch. When he glances back up, he can’t help but smile warmly at the sight of Iwaizumi attempting to teach Oikawa how to fish. 

 

_ “You’ll be okay, right?” Azumi asks, looking at all  his bags.  _

 

_ “Yea, I will. I promise to call and visit often.” He smiles, leaning over to ruffle his mother’s hair.  _

 

_ “Ah, I know you will. I’m just worried about my little boy!” _

 

_ Hanamaki rolls his eyes, picking up one of his bags. “I’ll be okay, mom. I promise.” _

 

Looking at the sketch, he sighs softly.    
  
Yeah, he’d be okay. 

  
(He’s too busy watching his boyfriend’s to notice the light pink butterfly that lands five feet away from him.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gasp..I finished a multi chapter fic for once...  
> But this isn't the end of the series oh no..I am going to write (attempt to write) fluff because after what I have done they deserve some fluff :T so I will write that when I write that cx  
> Also thank you for reading this ! Sorry it was so crappy lmao

**Author's Note:**

> i want you all to know Azumi Hanamaki was my favorite character to make and I made myself really sad by killing her off 
> 
> Tumblr: Pigeon_Religeon and Lame-Haikyuu-Stuff~


End file.
